February 2012: Editor's Note

Opening Monologue

by Brian K. Mahoney, January 27, 2012

The following is a transcript from the pilot of a late-night TV talk show based on Chronogram. While some have suggested that the late-night TV landscape is already glutted with shows, we believe there's room for a thoughtful, good-intentioned, consensus-built program and the naysayers won’t stop us from throwing our collective hat (a sombrero, say, or one of those Peruvian wool jobs with the dangly payos-type strings; something an indigenous person would wear) into the ring. We are currently seeking distribution. Drop us a line if you have an uncle who can get us a lunch with a producer.

[The show opens after the crowd, seated on Pilates’ balls arranged around the stage in a non-hierarchical formation, has been warmed-down through a guided chakra cleansing meditation by a Buddhist monk. The house band, a punk gamelan ensemble led by a CSA farmer/massage therapist, launches into the show’s theme song, “We People Who Are Darker Than Blue.” The crowd chants om as the host takes the stage. The host drops into the tadasana pose and the band abruptly stops.]

[Host]: Thank you. Namaste. It’s really beautiful to be here. You guys are so beautifully blissed out. Whatever depressants you guys are on, I want in, because Lithium just so does not work for me anymore. I mean, why is that just when you’re enjoying a drug to its utmost effectiveness—flying high on a six-month Oxycodone stint, say—it starts losing its punch and you need to up your dosage on a daily basis. It’s just not fair. It’s as if the drug companies want you to be addicted. Which reminds me! A big shout-out to our sponsor, New Life Health Spa and Rehabilitation Center. While I’m contractually obligated to endorse New Life, as I still owe them for my treatment, they are indeed workers. Friends, if you have a family member heading down the K-hole of substance abuse, New Life has the custodial treatment options you’re looking for. Just ask my mom. Hi mom! Fourteen days clean and sober two weeks from tomorrow!

[Host turns to the bandstand.]

[Host]: How about that band, huh?

[Audience chants an appreciative om.]