Inner Vision: Heart Song

Bill Vanaver's Dance With Death

Bill Vanaver

Bill notes that his learnings didn’t come in the form of the heavens opening up or as lightning bolts of clarity. Instead, they have been gradual, evolving over his recovery period, and they continue. Some are perspectives and values he already held, now with the volume turned up; others are unique and bizarre experiences, such as the hallucinations he had while on strong medications in the early stages of recovery (fodder for another story).

A key theme of Bill’s musings during our conversation was the importance of compassionate connection with others. Very early in his recovery he perceived, as a specific imperative, the need to weave a fabric of connection among people who entered his hospital room—even during the period he was intubated and unable to speak. “I developed a sense of the nurses beyond their role of nurse,” he recalls. “I was very cognizant of the hierarchy and wanted to go beyond it the whole time I was in the hospital.” He recounts an incident with an X-ray technician. “This technician, who was always in kind of a grumpy mood, came in one day to take an X-ray. I perceived and I pursued her discomfort. I insisted on connecting with her. I pointed to a poster from one of the cafe’s I play at. I couldn’t talk, but she understood what I meant. She said she used to play the guitar. By the time she left, she was totally changed, and said, happily, to Livia on her way out, ‘I think I’ll start playing the guitar again.’”

Bill is modest about his impact on this woman and others, but sensed a powerful motivation for orchestrating such encounters as he lay there in the hospital bed. “I don’t want to take credit, but there was something about the kind of focus I had then. It was one of those opportunities that shock provides. I think I’ve learned something from that.”

Bill and Livia have continued their connection with the hospital caregivers by going back to visit. “It’s a part of my healing, putting the pieces together,” Bill says. “It gives me cues to my current life. It is also a reinforcement [that shows] that I’ve healed, and that I can stand up and hug the nurses. The nurses have been putting all their energy into healing you, totally taking care of you, then you leave the hospital and they don’t see you again. It’s like a symphony I wrote once—if I’d never been able to hear it back, that would have been terrible. So visiting them is like seeing the results of all their work.”

Livia says that when they visited, “The staff at the nurse’s station did double-takes and were blown away seeing Bill out of his pajamas and talking! First they passed Bill by, not recognizing him. Then they looked at me and immediately looked back at him. It was so satisfying to all of the staff to have one of their patients who was on the brink of death and with them on the units for an extended time, returning to acknowledge them and thank them for their great work. So much of this experience (and indeed what I’ve experienced of life in general) is about creating relationships, which ultimately are nourished by loving kindness.”