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Flag Advice
By Sparrow

Flag AdviceWith the growing number of flags, I felt it was time for a flag-care column. My friend Edna Cherm, from the Daughters of the American Flag Association, agreed to field questions about proper flag behavior.

Q: If I have my own flagpole, is it acceptable to lower the flag to half-mast for personal tragedies, such as the death of my uncle?—A.S., Pine Hill

A: Although you have this right, I would suggest you consult your state governor before lowering the flag.

Q: What is the proper way to wash a flag?—B.R., Stone Ridge

A: The best way is with a very pure soap, such as Ivory. Try to avoid chemical detergents, as these affect the purity of the flag.

Q: Is it appropriate to fly a 48-star flag? —J.V., Croton-on-Hudson

A: If this is the only flag you have, you may fly it, but be prepared for insulting comments from Alaskans and Hawaiians.

Q: If I am camping, should I take down the flag above my tent while having sex with my girlfriend?—S.B., New Paltz

A: This is your decision, but I would suggest flying the flag. Consensual erotic acts are part of the freedom that makes us Americans.

[For further flag advice, write Edna Cherm c/o Chronogram, PO Box 459, New Paltz, NY 12561, or e-mail info@chronogram.com.]

Overheard On A Bus“I play phlegm guitar.”

Broken ProtestI received a letter from a fan:Sparrow, Here is my new protest. Whenever something breaks—a can opener, a plate, a refrigerator—wrap it and mail it to the White House. On the package write: “You have broken the Constitution, the budget, the nations of Iraq and Afghanistan. Here is a broken toaster for you.”Let us flood the White House with tragic objects.Sincerely,Ernest Gratel

Journal (April 6-8)“Bacteria in the human body make up 10 percent of a person’s weight.” Chance in the House of Fate: A Natural History of Heredity, by Jennifer Ackerman (New York Times Book Review 9/16/01)

BUDGET 19CLEANAFFORDABLEMOORS —sign near Kingston

Washington, DC was the most heavily fortified city on earth (according to a Civil War history reviewed in the Times).

“I learned to count by shooting craps.” —my father

RiddleQ: My eyes are blind, yet I know my hat is brown. How?A: I painted my hat brown.

Poem No. 9sep

Palindrome News[In the form of a letter to noted poet Mikhail Horowitz:]

Mikhail,I have just written my first French palindrome*:Zen nu a un nez.

(I believe it means: “Nude Zen has a nose.”)I wanted to share with you this breakthrough.Tapir, I pat,Sparrow

[*A palindrome is a word, phrase, or driver’s license that reads the same backward and forward.]

Doubling DatesJanuary 2 • February 4 • April 8 • August 16

Contest UpdateJust in! Here are two entries for the Sully Grove Contest, in which one must use a country’s name in a complete sentence:

There is no Germany den. (“There is no germ in Eden.”)Singapore man rich. (“Sing a poor man rich.”) —Sharon Nichols de "Earwhacks"

Primitive TattooPrimitive tattoos, made with glue and horse blood, were found in 12th-century France.

Synagogue ATM Answer“I know the answer to your ATM question,” a woman I’ll call “Fire-hat” told me, at a synagogue.[Vigilant readers of Quarter to Three (this column) will recall my question, from the December Chronogram:

“What happens if you don’t extract your money from an ATM? The machine proffers the bill(s) in its mechanical teeth, and you pull them out. But what if you don’t?Does it beep? Does it freeze? Will it eventually swallow the money? I am too cowardly to try. Maybe you aren’t.”]

“The machine does take your money back,” Fire-hat said. “But it credits you with the amount—your balance doesn’t diminish. It happened to my friend.”