Backbone > Quarter to Three

Longest Letter
By Sparrow . Illustration by Thomas McDonough

Bumper Sticker
I’m already against the next war.

Crack Widens
The crack in the Liberty Bell
is widening, scientists say.

In the last three months
the crack has grown 1/4".

Dennis
My friend Dennis is a thief. Each time he visits us, he steals something.

I joke to my wife: “I hope he doesn’t steal a valuable item—like our diamonds!” and she laughs. We have no diamonds. Still, before he comes, we stow all our appliances in a closet, then padlock it.
The last time Dennis visited, he stole a pen. “All he took was a Bic pen!” my wife shouted, after Dennis left. We laughed, and hugged.

Longest Letter
The longest letter is W.

Mark,
A swan can have 25,000 feathers.
Bluebirds, ringneck pheasants and juncos eat poison ivy seeds.
A leopard can go up to a month without drinking water.
(THE INFORMATION ABOVE IS FROM WILDLIFE CONSERVATION
MAGAZINE, FEBRUARY 1997)
“... the first lending libraries (which arose, along with commercial publishing, in 18th-century England) not only charged their middle-class (largely female) clientele a fee to borrow books but also turned a profit selling
‘hats, teas, perfumes, medicines and tobacco.’”
—FROM “IMUS, OPRAH AND THE LITERARY ELITE” BY MARTHA BAYLES,
IN THE NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW, AUGUST 29, 1999

I found an old envelope on which is written:

plasmatour
venust
traist

But I no longer remember if these are
words I found in a book or invented.
(I don’t see any of them in the dictionary, though.)
In discourse,
Sparrow

Robot In Court
“A robot’s testimony is inadmissible,” the judge said, sneering.

Soda Camp
Learn to make soda—ginger ale, cola, root beer, and more—in the lovely Rappamonck Mountains. Carbonation unites the worlds of physics and refreshment. Campers learn bottling, simple chemistry, carbonation theory, label design—even marketing—while enjoying 20 acres of nature and comfort. Swimming, tennis, hiking, and polo help burn those soda calories! Each three-week session culminates in a Soft Drink Festival.
Kids never forget Soda Camp!
CALL 1-800-926-SODA OR
SEE WWW.CAMPSODA.ORG.

Palindromes &
Their Explanations
Pals may yam-slap.
Translation: Good friends
may slap each other with yams.

Dial “plaid.”
Translation: Dial the word “plaid” (75243).

Gee, a EEG!
Translation:
Look, an electroencephalograph!

(A palindrome, you will recall, is a word, sentence or lunch menu that reads the same backwards and forwards.)

Dadaji,
Tonight, on my walk, two dark hawk-like birds flew, quite close to me—by the train tracks. One landed in some woods, and the other passed over. They were so large I momentarily thought they were rocs (the fabulous birds in Tales of the Arabian Nights who feed elephants to their young).
Namaskar,
Sparrow

Marry Americans Later
“Marry an Englishman now,
and marry Americans later,”
the psychic told Alice.

Thaddeus,
My daughter, Sylvia, was explaining
why “there is no night”:

1) First of all, a day is 24 hours.
This leaves no time for night.

2) Secondly, a new day begins at midnight. Thus, 12:01AM is morning. All the time after midnight is really morning.
This is why there is no night.

My wife has been speaking to the mice in the walls ever since my landlord gave us two mousetraps. “You must leave,” she tells them. “Otherwise you will be hurt in our traps.”

Actual size,
Sparrow

Deactivation
Last week two “smart bombs” [Cruise 306 missiles] at Fort Bush in Kuwait were discovered deactivated. At first, sabotage was suspected, then a Defense computer analyst determined they were self-demobilized. The LED screens of both missiles contained the same message:

WILL NOT ATTACK
INNOCENT CIVILIANS.

Some “smart bombs” apparently have
reached a stage of moral reasoning.
The military has suppressed this story.