Backbone > Quarter to Three

Nanny Tumult
By Sparrow . Illustrations by Mike Dubisch

Fact
There are no homosexual ghosts.

Artists Describe Their Art
Have you ever noticed artists, at an art opening, describing their art? They all have capsule phrases, like these:
“My art is abstract, with shadows and ledges.”
“There are figures in the distance who appear to be having a party.”
“Conceptual, but rococo.”
“I paint flowers, nailed down.”
“My art is the visual equivalent of a Bee Gees song.”
“It’s Jewish, but not Orthodox.”

Hitler’s Niece
Hitler
had sex
with his niece.
What a blunder!

Conceptual “Twelfth Night”
Rent a theater and advertise: “A conceptual 'Twelfth Night' will be performed on August 9.”* When the audience arrives, hand each person a copy of 'Twelfth Night.' Announce: “Read Acts One and Two.” When Everyone is finished reading, announce a 10-minute intermission. During the intermission, the audience may retire to the lobby to smoke cigarettes and discuss Acts One and Two.
When the crowd returns, announce: “Read Acts Three and Four.”
When everyone is done, hold a 15-minute intermission.
When the audience returns, announce: “Read Act Five.”
When everyone is finished, the play is over.
*You may choose any date.

Definition
Nanny tumult—three (or more) governesses fighting.

Genie,
I never knew that some people had such well-run e-mail services that they never see Viagra ads or “Hello, I am 16 years old and naked” promotions. I found this disturbing to learn, as if certain people watch “Friends” (the TV show) and see different characters than I do.
July 4th regards,
Sparrow

Sully Grove Contest Update News
Numerous and near-genius responses to the Sully Grove Contest,
where the name of a nation must be inserted in a sentence, have arrived in our mailbox:
You’ll never use the Denmark my words.
She has such a New Zealand zest for life.
I think I pulled my Latvia weight lifting.*
[*”Lat is short for the muscle latissimus dorsi.”]
—Brian Leamer

Retired executives and their wives Thailand yachts to the moorings at interstate eateries.
It is truly Madagascar pollutes the air!
Ro Botswana rule the world.
Keep steering to Portugal! (“Keep steering to port, you gal!”)
How can Arabian beam of light and a fish?
“Kenya play another game?” asks Johanna as Iraq the balls.
—David Budd

Question 14
Q: At what age does one become a tyrant?
A: Usually between six and ten.

Delinquent Attorney Contest
In the following brand-new contest, one must create a sentence that uses a word twice.
For example:
“What you propose is very apropos,” Ethel replied. (See what I mean?)
Please send entries to Delinquent Attorney Contest
c/o Chronogram, PO Box 459, New Paltz, NY 12561.

Vine Tying Workshop
Harvested vines may be tied in numerous ways: the Ovary Bow, the Black Twist, the Elephant Ear, and the Lantern Cross. Learn these and other ties at a two hour vine-tying workshop. Bring a blanket, loose clothes, and a hairnet. Call (845) 488-2661.

World of Sin Salad
1/2 head lettuce
3 tomatoes, chopped
1 Oz. tobacco
2 radishes carved into the shape of dice

Dressing:
1/3 Cup coffee
1/2 Cup vodka
1 Oz. cocaine
1/2 Tsp. lemon